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Points to assist a declining marriage

The Hadith questions the manhood of a person who beats his wife up during the day and derives pleasure from her during the night. Good marriages require patience, kindness, humility, sacrifice, empathy, love, understanding, forgiveness, and hard work. Following these basic principles should help any marriage to improve. The essence of them all can be summed up in one sentence: Always treat your spouse the way you would like to be treated.

Amidst busy schedules and tasks on the parts of both women and men, Muslim husbands and wives tend to forget the real reasons behind marriage and likewise the rights of each other. Subsequently, they deprive themselves, their mates and their children of the happiness and tranquility that is the bedrock of a successful family. This unbalanced vision towards a couple’s ideal relationship is bad enough to plunge the family into a situation laden with troubles and worries.

Negative Relationship between Husband & Wife

Some Muslim spouses relate to each other like adversaries rather than life time partners. The husband assumes the position of dictator, and whatever he says is not law. The wife on the other hand feels that she must squeeze everything she can out of her husband. Some wives do not express their gratitude to their husbands irrespective of how much the man may do for her. Instead they adopt an attitude of ‘never enough’ and make the husband feel like a failure if he does not provide every want and desire their extravagant lifestyles dictate. Some husbands speak very harshly to their wives, humiliate them, and even physically abuse them. Their wives have no voice or opinion in family matters. Moreover certain husbands become so cold and miserly that even the basic expenditure for the house is difficult to come by.

Nikah – A divine institution

The Nikah bond has been divinely established for the welfare and upkeep of a healthy and progressive community. This divine prescription has been unjustly utilised as a vehicle to perpetrate oppression, deception, humiliation, and abuse. Allah Ta’ala describes marriage very differently in the Noble Quran: ‘And from his signs are, He created for you wives from among yourselves, so that you may live in tranquillity with them, and instilled love and mercy between your (hearts) . . . “(30:21)

Head of the Home

The position Islam has accorded to the man as the head of the home is a responsibility which will be accounted for, rather than a privilege which should be abused. We are taught to treat our wives well. Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) has reported to have said: ‘The person possessing the most perfect faith is one who has excellent behaviour, and the best among you are those who are best towards their wives” (Mishkat)

Be Partners in Decision Making

Follow the principle of ‘Shura,” (consultation) and make decisions as a family. Implementing this Sunnah within the home increases harmony and love between family members. It will also assist in enhancing trust and loyalty between spouses and the children.

Abuse

Abstain totally from every form of emotional, mental, or physical abuse to your spouse.

Watch Your Words

Be very careful what you say when you are upset. The wounds afflicted to the heart of a person by words will never heal and remain a lifelong memory. Sometimes you will say things that you would never say when you were not angry. Apply the directives found in the Hadith for suppression of anger.

Work Together in the House

Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) consistently assisted his wives with household chores. When Rasulullah (sallallahu alayhi wasallam) did not consider the housework trivial, how can we today obligate our wives to all the house work and much more?

Communication is Important

Talk to each other, communicate, have a dialogue, but do it respectfully. Husbands and wives need to talk to each other. It is better to deal with problems early and honestly than to let them pile up until they explode.

Live Simply

Do not envy or cast your gaze towards those spouses who seem to be living a more luxurious life than your family. Be pleased with what you have. The grass will always look greener on the other side. The wealthiest person is the one who has attained contentment of heart. To develop the quality of contentment, look at those people who have less than you, not those who have more. Repeatedly thank Allah Ta’ala for the many blessings in your life.

Admit Your Mistakes

When you make a mistake, admit it. When your mate makes a mistake, excuse him or her easily. If possible, never sleep angry with each other.

Past Problems

Everything that has happened is history. Repent for the past and live for the future. Do not focus discussion on the past unless it is something that will make both of you laugh.

The Duaa for a blissful marriage: “Allahumma rabana hab lana min azwaajinaa wa zurriyyatina qurrata a-ayun waj-alna lil muttaqeena imaama” (O Allah! grant us such wives and offspring who will be a source of coolness for our eyes, and make us leaders of the Allah-Fearing)

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read time: 2 min

The Prophet ﷺ said,

“No one who has an atom’s-weight of Pride in his heart will enter Paradise.” A man said, “O Messenger of Allah, what if a man likes his clothes and his shoes to look good?” He ﷺ said, “Allah is Beautiful and loves beauty, Pride means rejecting the truth and looking down on people”(Sahih Muslim).

Commentary:

The word or the name for arrogance/pride in Arabic is ‘Kibr’. This is the inner quality of pride. The name of the outward quality is ‘Takabbur’ which means arrogance.

Arrogance is a blameworthy characteristic which is the feature of Iblees and his followers in this world, those on whose hearts Allah Ta'ala has placed a seal.

11 Signs of a Person Having Pride/Arrogance:

▪ He doesn’t like others to have what he has

▪ He cannot avoid anger

▪ He cannot avoid being jealous of others

▪He doesn’t accept advice from others

▪He doesn’t want to listen or accept advice from a learned person or even attend lessons

▪ When advising people he always puts them down

▪ When speaking he will say good remarks about himself

▪ When he speaks he speaks with pride to let people know he has knowledge

▪He deals with people in bad way

▪ He walks in bad way

▪ He has looks down at people because he is wealthier, or has a better appearance.

The cure for arrogance involves Knowledge and Action which involves the following remedies:

Firstly, you should know and recognise your Lord and know and recognise your own self as you should be recognised, and that you are not worthy of greatness and that true greatness and pride are only for Allah Ta'ala

Secondly, you should think of yourself as being just like other people and realize that they are like you; they were born from a mother and a father just as you were, and that taqwa (piety, fear of Allah) is the true criterion of superiority.

Allah Ta'ala says (interpretation of the meaning): “Verily, the most honourable of you with Allah is that (believer) who has At Taqwa [i.e. he is one of the Muttaqoon (the pious)” (Al-Hujuraat, 49:13).

And finally, know and realize that on the Day of Resurrection the person with pride will be gathered in a small form like an ant which will be trampled underfoot as The Prophet ﷺ said: “On the Day of Resurrection, the arrogant will be gathered like ants in the form of men. Humiliation will overwhelm them from all sides. They will be driven to a prison in Hell called Bawlas, with the hottest fire rising over them, and they will be given to drink of the juice of the inhabitants of Hell, which is teenat al-khabaal” (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi).

Arrogant people are hated by other people just as they are hated by Allah Ta'ala; people love humble, tolerant and gentle people, and they hate those who are harsh and cruel to people.

And Allah knows best!

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Most people are aware of the conditions people must fulfill before their repentance is accepted, namely giving up the sin, regretting the sin, and determining never to commit it again.

However, in this article we will highlight some practical steps people should follow in order to help achieve sincere repentance.

1: Trying to count all the sins that you have committed since adulthood until the present time.

This is an introduction to repenting for all these sins, because when the soul considers all its sins, it will be humble and tend to repent as soon as possible. Here is a list of the categories of sins to help you remember your past sins:

- Sins of the body, such as the tongue (backbiting, tale-bearing, lying, and ridiculing others); the eyes (looking at what is prohibited), ears, hands, feet and private parts.

- Sins of the heart, such as arrogance, envy, aggression, self-conceit, and so on.

- Negligence in performing your duties towards one’s parents, relatives and negligence regarding the other duties such as enjoining what is good and forbidding what is evil, as well as Da'wah (calling to Islam).

- Negligence in the acts of worship like delaying the prayer after its due time.

2: Try to count all the blessings of Allaah The Almighty upon you.

You should keep counting these blessings until you realize how negligent you are towards the rights of Allaah The Almighty and until you despair of counting. Allaah The Exalted Says (what means): {And He gave you from all you asked of Him. And if you should count the favor of Allaah, you could not enumerate them. Indeed, humankind is most unjust and ungrateful.} [Quran 14:34]

Then, you should make a comparison between the blessings that Allaah The Almighty sends down to you, and your misdeeds that are being sent to Him in return. In this case, you will not be able to resist your tears, your heart will be soft and you will say: “I acknowledge the favors that You have bestowed upon me, and I confess my sins. Pardon me, for none but You has the power to pardon.” [Al-Bukhaari]

When you shed tears and feel remorse, you should then move to the third step.

3: Repentance Prayer

After deserting the sin, you should immediately implement the advice of the Prophet,(Peace be upon him) who said: “Whenever one commits a sin, and then performs ablution perfectly, and prays two Rak’ahs (units of prayer) after which he seeks the forgiveness of Allaah He will forgive him.” [Al-Albaani: Saheeh]

Then, you should determine that you would never return to sins. In this way, you will live the best day of your life since your birth.

4: Keep away from bad friends and evil companions.

Sever your relationship with them, because they will prevent you from returning to your Lord. If you succeed in getting rid of them, then this is a great sign that Allaah The Almighty has accepted your repentance.

5: You should have a daily program of acts of worship to perform.

This program aims at helping you make up for what you missed and compensate your negligence towards the rights of Allaah The Almighty. This program should include reading parts of the Quran, Dhikr (words of remembrance) reported from the Prophet, night prayer and fasting. However, the most important thing is that this program should be gradual and realistic.

6: You should attend a religious lecture in a masjid once a week on a regular basis.

This step aims at strengthening your relationship with your Lord and the righteous people who are your companions on the road to faith. Accompany those righteous people and never keep away from them.

Futher Reading

THERE IS NO “TEENAGER” PHASE IN ISLAM

THE ROLE OF TELEVISION IN THE DESTRUCTION OF CHILDREN AND SOCIETY PART 1

ROLE OF THE TELEVISION IN THE CORRUPTING OF SOCIETY PART 2

AN EXAMPLE OF A PIOUS WIFE

AS LONG AS YOU ARE NOT ANGRY WITH ME THEN I DO NOT CARE

AN EXAMPLE OF A MOTHER’S PATIENCE

HOW NAJMA TAUGHT US HOW TO LIVE

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1. We can never count Allaah’s Blessings: Be ever grateful to Allaah Ta’ala for everything that you possess including your wealth, health, status, intellectual abilities and life.

Allaah says: “Is, then, He Who creates comparable to any that cannot create? Will you not, then, take heed? For should you try to count Allaah’s blessings, you could never compute them…” (An-Nahl 16:17-19).

2. Shaytan’s primary mission is to make human beings ungrateful: From the very beginning of the human being’s creation, the issue of gratefulness and thankfulness to Allaah Ta’ala has been debated. After refusing to bow to Adam, Satan said:

“Then I will certainly come to them from before them and from behind them, and from the right-hand side and from the left-hand side, and You (Allaah) shall not find most of them thankful” (Al-Araf 7:17).

3. The opposite of Shukr (gratitude) is Kufr (disbelief): In many places in the Quran, Allaah compares the terms Shukr and Kufr. “Then remember Me; I will remember you. Be grateful to Me, and do not reject Me” (Al-Baqarah, [002]:152).

Imaan (belief) implies Shukr or gratefulness as opposed to Kufr or ungratefulness. A kafir or disbeliever is ungrateful to the Being Who has given him everything, whereas a Believer is one who is ever thankful for all that Allaah Ta’ala has given him.

4. We thank Allaah for our own benefit: If you are ungrateful, Allaah Ta’ala is unaffected. If you become grateful, then you have taken the first step towards becoming a true Believer. It is for this reason that the Prophet exhorted us to “Love Allaah as we benefit from His grace” (Tirmidhi).

Allaah reminds us: “And whoever is grateful, he is only grateful for the benefit of his own self” (Luqmaan, [031]: 012). “For surely if it was not for the grace of God on you and His mercy, you would have been among the losers (Al-Baqarah 2:64).

5. True worship means sincere thankfulness to Allaah: Allaah Ta’ala explained in the Quran that the only people who truly worship Him are those who give gratitude to Him, so those who are not among the people of gratitude are not among the people of ‘Ibaadah (worship and obedience). “… and be grateful to Allaah, if it is Him you worship” (Al-Baqarah, [002]:172).

6. Shukr leads to Allaah’s pleasure: Allaah has told us that His pleasure may be attained through gratitude. “…If you are grateful, He is pleased with you...” (Az-Zumar, [039]: 007).

The Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, said: “Allaah is pleased with His servant if, when he eats something, he thanks Allaah for it, and when he drinks something, he thanks Allaah for it” (Muslim).

7. Gratitude is a purpose of our creation: “It is He Who brought you forth from the wombs of your mothers when you knew nothing; and He gave you hearing and sight and intelligence and affection: that you may give thanks (to Allaah)” (An-Nahl, [016]: 78).

8. Shukr is a quality of success in this life and in the Hereafter: Ibn ‘Abbaas narrated that the Prophet said: “There are four qualities, whoever is given them has truly been given the best in this world and the next. They are: a grateful heart (that is thankful to Allaah), a remembering tongue (that mentions Allaah often), an enduring body (to persevere through the trials), and a faithful wife.”

9. Being grateful and patient in times of difficulty: Everything that happens to us – even events that we may consider to be personal afflictions or natural disasters-are from Allaah. Therefore, in times of calamity and distress, there will be some good for us, provided we respond appropriately.

The Prophet (Peace be Upon Him) said: “How wonderful is the case of a Believer! There is good for him in whatever happens to him -and none, apart from him, enjoys this blessing. If he receives some bounty, he is grateful to Allaah and this bounty brings good to him. And if some adversity befalls him, he is patient, and this affliction, too, brings good to him.” (Saheeh Muslim)

10. Allaah’s Mercy is for all, but most people will remain ungrateful: He shows and gives mercy to all, even those who continue to be ungrateful and rebellious towards Him: “Indeed God is the possessor of bounty for all people but most people do not give thanks.” (Al-Baqarah, [002]: 243).

11. Most people subconsciously thank God: Reflect upon your own life and you will find innumerable occasions when Allaah’s `hand’ has been holding you and helping you. So often, believers and even atheists subconsciously use the expression ‘Thank God’, without realising the full implications of our words.

12. Shukr leads to abundance in Allaah’s favors: If you appreciate Allaah’s favors, He has promised increased Rahmah or Mercy for you. Allaah’s reward for your gratitude is unlimited and unconditional. “If you are grateful, I will surely give you more and more.” (Ibraaheem, [014]: 007)

13. Three ways to express Shukr: The classical Muslim scholars have indicated Shukr can be shown in three ways:

– Shukr of the heart (Qalb), which is achieved by harboring and intending good for all of Allaah Ta’ala’s creation.
– Shukr of the tongue (Lisaan), which involves celebrating the praises of Allaah Ta’ala, such as utterance of “Alhamdulillah”, and expressing gratefulness to Allaah Ta’ala with our tongue.
– Shukr of the limbs (Jawaarih), which is fulfilled by using our external senses to do good. Every time Allaah Ta’ala gives us a blessing, we must use it in a way that benefits humanity and that pleases Allaah Ta’ala.

Further Reading

THE INTENSE LOVE OF RASULULLAH (SALLALLAHU ALAIHI WASALLAM) FOR HIS UMMAH

HOW TO PERFORM ISTIKHARA

UNDERSTANDING SECULAR EDUCATION

HOCUS POCUS AND BOGUS!

SMILE

ENJOYING MOTHERHOOD WHEN THEY ARE YOUNG

THE UGLY SIDE OF ‘THE ‘BEAUTIFUL’ GAME’

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